sometimes life is really playing on me. that feeling is unbearable. i hate being cheated. why? i can only ask 'why?' and ponder on answers that can't solve my questions.

I guess a Giant has its limits as well as a heart too. The best hiker can be lost too. A teacher can make mistakes. A computer can malfunction. The world's best athelete can mess up.

Is there such things as perfection.? i truly doubt. Everyone has his/her own problems. It really depends on how we can deal with it. I hate the fact that people will push everything to you since they believe you have no problems. after not talking to you, i realised how much a close one will care. i guess i too need some care and concern; something others believe i have enough. A care bear needs to recharge too. non living things such as robots and batteries do need a break.

Is this the post holiday blues i have? Or perhaps my parents giving me pressure? or really the lack of care? depression(certainly doubt so)? its just tired?

i feel pissed. very. its like i exhaust my energy and i dont get what i deserved. a test? perhaps. emotions running wild. i need to rein in soon before i crack. haven't crack for a long time and the cause will usually be friends. but in the end, they will say until like its not really their fault ma or i'll just forgive them. Being rude is not really my forte. seriously i can't help being a caring person. but do understand my need. if everyone needs a piece of me, then i wont have the love i need. its when i am at a age where parental love , friendships, brotherhoods can bring me to a very high level but not the best. i yearn for the best. everyone needs it. it is what makes the world go round. i can't be staying for my whole life smsing "how are you doing?", "are you okay?". So far i think maybe a handful(<5) will ask me how i am. i don't need touch-and-go friends. i need friends who believe in themselves and me so that we can really feel the special bond.

also a minor point to make. i think everyone of us should show complete trust and not be so secretive. it sucks if you see your own friends talking among themselves. TRANSPARENCY. come on lets grow up. how old are we? lets be more mature. it just gets on your nerves and it adds to my boiling point.

tired and lost. sometimes there are too many choices. i guess i need to strengthen my values to prioritise my choices. i know i need someone now. i guess people who are working dun really have time for this.

now i really dunno wad is selfish or avarice. should a fren be good so that he shows concern and care to his other frenz. what about when he falls? will his frens hear the despair and hurt he is feeling.? i guess if the person is sufficiently optimistic, there is no need to particulary care for him. He is already so happy, why bother? -yea. but you can't expect the guy to plead for care. its nonsensical. a guy supposed to be strong and care for others.

AND the problem with being sufficiently optimistic is that your peers will think you are a jerk. cos you are perceived as so arrogant and proud. so instead of giving you confidence it will just make you lousier. and furthermore this is the optimism to help ur frens and urself. sometimes life is really contradicting.

friends who used their own friends are completely @#$^. trust me. i had a painful experience. Bad things all to you. Good things directed at others. i wonder why the word 'recognition' is found in the dictionary.

The world i am experiencing now lacks praise and encouragement(except the cca and some parts). its all about self. friends are supposed to divide sorrows and multiply joy. so far i see little compared to how much more can be done on this.

now my heart feels empty. more empty than ever. i need. i really need something.

perhaps an early death is good for me. when i finally complete what i can contribute to the world, i guess so. its more than enough.

tml there is school. kk.. back to reality. tata.

dunno y.. i feel so *that feeling* again. its so crap. even in scouts.

sometimes things don't go the way.

If one has a choice, would u rather serve an incapable leader or one who can really take the lead?

i guess the word leaders come with a price. Leaders are supposed to model the way and take leads. But sometimes those under him will get irritated if he/she does not know how to lead.

and i can't stop thinking. about some things. maybe tml ODAC hike will put my mind off from some matters.